7/2/2018

I told you i am bad at keeping  a diary.

I have spent the last 8 months trying to move myself forward and get back on my feet starting up my own place, whilst trying to get money owed from my previous company (circa 5k), sort access to my children as my deranged ex wife, who hate the fact that i am up here trying to be part of their lives is trying to eliminate me or send me back down south with my tail between my legs.

It makes me wonder how many of her offered “one day a month journeys down south for me to see the boys”  she actually would have done.  maybe one if i was lucky.

With the constant cockups of the DWP costing ME a fortune that i don’t have, I have to be looking for a job and trying to rectify my life, whilst trying to remove (not just one but multiplw deranged Psychopath gold diggers who are silently yelling “die will just fucking die”.

“No”.

i look at the next piece of mess that was made during our marriage, i don’t know who’s fault it is, mine for being ill, hers for trying to get rid of my daughter,   me for wanting a proper family and starting a business or the people in life you are supposed to trust

In looking for some evidence, I come across a statement from my own flesh and blood.  a signed document full of lies! I cannot believe it. I hate being right.

They only seem to come back into my life to latch on to me, I am so angry right now. It’s no wonder i was frustrated back then, no wonder i was so fucked up. and angry, i can see myself with the thoughts swirling around who to trust, surrounded by people telling me they were the good guys, to believe them, when, none of them were. I knew none of them were, but what do you do?

why the fuck do I attract psychopaths? My anxiety has shot up, thinking of walking away again. No one has helped or believed me before why would they now.

People on this planet are either completely fucking evil and self absorbed or brainwashed and hiding away.

But, I am that wounded animal with nothing left to lose, being cornered by fucking f*cktards who have fucked up  three generations of people (including their own lives). I have had enough of being pushed and hauled around.

Why can they not just fuck off and leave me alone?

It’s no wonder i was suicidal with seemingly no way out.  with not one piece of support from those who were meant to be there to support me, oh, yeah they were the ones fucking doing it.

i can feel the frustration of not knowing what to do. They won’t leave me alone to make mistakes, be a parent, be me. It’s no wonder i still feel like a fucking child.

its sad really cos if i am not allowed to be me, the only time i will be truly free is when they have died and cannot treat me like they do anymore, i assume that is the feeling that every “abused” person gets when their captors have died.

The reason i despise my family so much is thy treat me like i can’t and am unable to do something.

The truth will be in the pudding when this goes to court, i wonder if a miracle will happen and my “Mother “and “Aunty” join forces again and start speaking. I swear i am gonna dance a jig at their funerals.

i started looking at this to print off evidence, to avoid wondering where i was going to get the 486.00 for the civil solicitor, or the 250.00 for my car, the 50 for it’s MOT t the end of the month, or even 60.00 so i can get the money thats owed to me from my ex fucking wife (equity plus the thousands she screwed me out of until the house was sold – which she delayed by refusing to sign the papers of the house she wanted me to sell.).

This is why millions are having breakdowns or committing suicide cos there is no way they can see out of the hole caused by a broken system, run by rich Eton twats who laugh at us whilst they get fat off their subsidised canteens, – which we pay for through our taxes of course.

after years of treating me like shit, due to; a. my illness and b possibly the drug i was put on to cure that illness, it still goes on, and i am shit scared that i wrong about the treatment they gave me, i know they lied to the court (they’ll hold information about the sexual abuse of a child they’ll do anything). I’m frigging furious.

Right now, the thought of failure in court to get the truth out and sort this mess out once and for all, is causing thoughts of self harm.

“That’ll teach them, they’ll be sorry”  (no they fucking won’t, they have proved you right and let you down for their own self gratification). “whats the point, your gonna lose”. “Just do it”,

I am so fed up of being dictated to.

Belittled, pushed around, told in action that i am “not good enough” the self doubt. I am fed up of people getting away with it, I have had enough of people not accepting responsibility for their actions. ENOUGH.

NO you’re not good enough, you’re the dickheads that didn’t see that it could be the medication, or even your treatment of me. i can feel my mood slipping, my head spinning, tears welling.

ENOUGH.

 

8/2/2018

So, in ET today, catch 22.

They were there to piss me about and waste what little money i had,  well tough. you know the best thing about being nice, is it comes around when you need it most.

I have equity sitting in a solicitors account. I cannot get that because (apart from my ex wife trying to break me)….

…phft, i am 43 years into this life and for 42 years I have been abused by family.

I need money to pay the solicitor (when they ask me for money it worries me that they don’t think they are going to win) before i can get my money (go figure).

I’m getting there with the business but it’s just getting the custom and with having to fight for my boys and my daughter there is a lot on, travel too Essex for one case, travel to Lancaster for another…

it’s always catch 22….. this is why the benefits system is broken, so they can drain our hope for the future…

Sorry for the mind slip (above) yesterday. that was a medicated one. I don’t have a temper, i have a fucked life which is hard to deal with. imagine all the thoughts above added with “white Noise” in the mind. (try to think or read a book in a room where people are having a party, that’s white noise in the mind… )

9/2/2018

I am really struggling today.

I am sick of people playing games with my mind. using anything they can find as a weapon to try and break me.

The Tribunal Yesterday went as expected, it was a time wasting tactic. £40 i don’t have down the drain, the coffee was good though.

I had to borrow £2 off an 18 year old (and i am grateful) to stop myself going overdrawn.

Fuck knows how i survived without this medication.

I am tearing up cos i am sick of people who you are meant to trust fucking me over. I am sick of society and those rich twats “up top” in their imaginary ivory tower playing “god” with people lives the fucking sycophants.

I learned that My mother (the one of two people as a son or daughter, you are supposed to rely on.) teamed up with someone my daughters mother feared would abduct her child, she got incarcerated for 60 accounts of fraud and theft. the woman disappeared at my daughters mums funeral with My daughters step sister prompting a search for her, at the fucking graveside. AT THE FUCKING GRAVESIDE, yet Social Services in Essex never looked into this did they?

People ask me why i am so angry and defensive, IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED BY YOU FUCKERS TO BE A PARENT, and unlike you a fucking good one.

This is why i fucking hate people {like this}. (Generalisation sorry)

Always trying to further their own fucking agendas through fear of being found out what an abusive fucking waste of DNA they are.

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED if you have the balls to do the crime.

sometimes i do wonder if my kids are better off without me as I feel i am putting them through this rather than the people doing it.

I have had to email cafcass to ask that if any meetings are done, they are done in the daylight due to not being able to afford to repair the carr, and that i have had  to cancel seeing my boys tomorrow.

And i hate messing them about.

I will go and see them Sunday though.

Petrol willing.

– 0958.

I am now in tears.

I despise my family (Genralisation) and the way i have been treated, i am sick of it. being made to feel that i am the one in the wrong. Not good enough. Never been allowed the chance to watch my kids grow up. Just cos i am ill.

I love my kids whole heatedly and would do anything for them, even give up my dreams and aspirations.

I’ve been let down by the system time and time again. Without the medication i can see why i spiraled into depression so quickly.  The frustration quickly boiling into anger.

Being unable to defeat my own demons to explain what i want to say and argue, even though it would be pointless as i was never listened to anyway.

I am sick to my back teeth of the way that people are treated, especially the ill the sick and the unable to fight for themselves.

They are unable cos of the circle of abuse rippled from those who think they are in power.

– 1022

Using peoples illnesses against them is disgusting, despicable and deplorable.

It shows the low ebb of society and how sickening the lust for money is with some people.

Man up dickhead (you know who you are) face me in court, you are a coward, end of.

– 1220

The biggest struggle with the money you get to “live” is that you cannot buy the things you need.

a. To live.

b. To keep a healthy state of body and mind.

Some people in the health profession ignore it when mentioned as they don’t know what to do, what can they do?

Prescribe fresh fruit and veg?

surely that’s a basic human right to help you be healthy?

the government are promoting all this back to work and work for yourself, HOW do they expect you to do that on the pittance paid?

I can barely afford to travel to see my kids in Kendal never mind the 40 minute journey in each direction to get to any suitable employment in the area i live.

“Give a person a fish, They’ll eat for the day.

Give a person a fishing rod and teach them how to fish, they’ll eat for a lifetime”.

The thing that is missing from the government with their push to reduce unemployment, is the help and ability to actually boost the economy (which they are happy to give their mates who own the banks) through getting to a new job or starting up your own place.

Loans from companies are not enough – especially as they are probably owned again by their buddies.

sorta stinks of the 80’s and fuckin’ thatchers britain again….

It’s a shame i don’t have a garden i would be out planting stuff to eat fresh right now.

16-02-2018

So no receipt of letter from DWP regarding the mandatory reconsideration for my ESA, from when i was signed off sick from June – December , I have been back to the Doctors and said i need to go back to work, although i am not 100% and i still have serious issues to sort (access to my children) divorce, finances not being sorted so i cannot sort out Lloyds or Lloyds of London. I have to get back to earn some money cos i cannot live on £300 a month,  to support what is required of me to get the UC (Universal Credits) i cannot afford to fix my car (new alternator and belt – 253.00) and an Mot at the end of the month, nor can i afford to run the server that hosts my eCommerce,  as one and one are shocking and ignore their obligations under statute law to provide information required (SAR) and provide a shit service.

So, question is do i pay the bill to continue to try and earn some money, or do i find another way of doing it?

to top it off my supplier doesn’t/won’t supply images for the eCommerce site they only do hosted redirection.. time to take the spanner out and look for a solution to this (either downloading 2800 images one by one or there is another solution i cannot see yet).

So much to do and so little time to do it, i can see why i got frustrated without the medication.

– 1612

All day to do the paperwork for divorce and children’s case.  (v ex wife)

one more bundle to do for Emily, then the employment one 😀

2250

Scanner failure… why always when you are doing important stuff :-/

 

19-02-18

I am started to get irritated, whats new about that i hear you say.

Schools, College and Universities claiming they have no money, leaving the “difficult kids behind” (you know the ones that earn them extra money from the government). OUR money.

Maybe the problem isn’t that they have no money they are spending it on the wrong things, in the wrong way.

A School is now an academy, a keyword way of saying a ltd business.

My guess is that all this money is now going into who owns these “businesses”. it’s called creaming off the funds, the government (specially the Tories) have been doing it to profitable government run institutions like the railways, the post office and the utility companies, right before they sold them all to their mates.

Now, being a company, you are in a catch 22, if you hurt someone due to, say not following proper procedure, you are now culpable for things like corporate manslaughter, which the CEO (or principle in this case) can actually go to jail for.

Health and Safety becomes even more of a nightmare, and you have extra duty of care responsibilities. You become far more liable for your staffs actions.

So, when a school threatens you to go to court if your kids not there, it’s cos they have claimed around £3,000 per child for their funding which they will lose and may have to pay back.

Now the basis of any ltd company is to make a profit, That is a legal stipulation….

So why are schools ltd companies? (come to think of it, why are political parties, police forces, and the NHS Limited companies?)

Food for thought?

My reason for discussing this is that people with learning disabilities, disabilities, and other issues are being left behind, the schools putting the pressure on the parent to get kids back when they are are unwell, and not supporting them as they should to get them back in,  when they are ill.

when i was off ill, school work went home for me!

26/2/2018

Its all about choices.

Do I eat?  or do i buy paper to print and send evidence to a solicitor (in this case coffee won)

Do i eat? or do i get petrol so i can see the kids at the weekend?

Do i eat? or do i pay a little more on the electric bill so i can stay warm?

yes i have an axolotl tank and a fish tank  but the electric is slight the food is cheap and lasts ages, and it helps me focus and keep my head knowing there is something(s) that depend on me to live.

I have a 1300 solicitors bill to pay to divorce the ex wife and so i can get a fair share of the marriage equity, there is the domestic abuse case i have to pay for (parking petrol and printing) there is also the case against my cousin who stole my daughter and stopped her seeing me against her word.

• Editors note – please  take me to court for saying that cos i will happily counter sue you for all the money you took from the council for having my daughter.

I have a 750.00 bill to pay my representation in the Employment Tribunal against Angus Fire for their “alleged” discrimination against me and the illness i have. (and i claim they owe me up to 8,000 in wages).

I owe, for my car which had an alternator changed, so i can see my kids, well, that went south cos i now cannot afford the 54.00 for an MOT lol

To say someone can live on 300.00 a month is inhumane, especially when they are trying to get well enough to  back into work.

so when you hear someone putting down the jobless scum (mention no names) let them know how hard it is to get back into work when you are not given any help from the people who are in power to help the weak.

The next time you say “lest we Forget” don’t forget that they died for these freedoms that are being slowly taken from us.  They died,  to stand up for the weak, the countries that toppled to the German tactics and firepower, the millions of people who were “different”, that’s what WWII was about, so don’t forget by helping people now.